Thirty-two — last year I blew out my candles and wished for three special things; to heal, to grow more / healthier, and for forgiveness for myself and for my past. To be honest, for most of this past year, I have had one foot in and one foot out with my transparency when it comes to what triggered so much pain and change, and even though parts of me just wants to flush it all away — I know it’s something that I need to talk about (soon enough) because I don’t want others to feel like they’re alone in their pain, struggles, flaws, faults, lies, or mistakes. We have all done things we are not proud of — ashamed of. I know I have plenty of skeletons in my closet, but I try really hard to be transparent about those things. But on the flip side, I want others to be more aware of what other individuals can do or the pain that they can also cause — some are so wrapped up in their own hurt that they hold onto others to slander or bring them down, some will call you names like — narcissistic — in order to cover their own doings or mishaps, or how some will gaslight you in order to make them feel better about their words or actions. And boy, there was a lot of that that went on the past two-ish years and it took several months and a good one to two months of therapy for me to really learn to release that negative energy, accepting my actions and words but also accepting that I couldn’t control others actions and words and just need to focus on healing myself and moving on.
Thirty-two was definitely the year of healing for me. It was the year that I threw away my victim mentality in the trash and found ways to heal myself in a healthy way. But, okay, doing that hurt — I had to re-break my past pain and allow them to truly heal vs. just slapping on a big bandaid. I took accountability for the hurt that I caused others, and to myself. I had to practice putting blinders on and putting earmuffs over my ears and ignore the witch hunt that was still being played out. I had to accept that even though I was apologetic in the beginning — that it was never going to be enough. That sometimes, closure never happens and that is also okay and sometimes — not even needed.
Thirty-two was the year of healing and growth.
So even though this past lap around the sun was one of the hardest and most painful yet — it also taught me that in order to be a Phoenix I needed to get burned. As painful as it was last year, and as naive as I was to think I could just close that chapter when I turned thirty-two last year so easily — I am thankful I am where I am today. My intentions were to never hurt people on that journey that I was on for so long, and I will forever be sorry about that and cringe at that person, but I am thankful for who came out of those ashes. I lost a community. I lost a friend who I had known since I was 14. I lost myself. It was hard — it was painful — it was heartbreaking. But through all that mess and darkness, I gained a new outlook on myself; love and growth and healing, and I gained a stronger community; broke down walls with old childhood friends, friends that I met in my 20’s, and friends that I met after the fact.
Thirty-two was the year of healing and miracles.
Thirty-two was the year that I chose to chase after a dream that I had kept hidden for so many years — I started practicing Astrology / Tarot reading more publicly and went back to school. It was the year that I chose to open my heart to new friends and break down old walls with old friends. I became happier with myself — I owned my worth and skin and my flaws. I started therapy.
So Happy Solar Return to the girl who once believed she was too broken to feel worthy, but found her way through the ashes and realized that broken mirrors still reflect and are worthy of making another kind of masterpiece. My wish for this next lap around the sun is — more growth, more self love and talk, more self-care (actually practice it), more laughs, more grace, and more vulnerability — honesty and to share my story (fully).
Cheers to thirty-three — this next lap around the sun is going to be a game changer and a wild adventure — I just know it.
Photos by the beautiful Bethany