11/14/18

“Sometimes pain becomes such a huge part of your life that you expect it to always be there because you can’t remember a time in your life when it wasn’t. But then one day you feel something else… something that feels wrong, but only because it’s so unfamiliar, and in that moment you realize you’re happy.”

The other day I posted this quote on instagram and it had me really thinking about what we tie into “happiness” or what happiness really feels and looks like. I obviously don’t have the answers to what this feelings feels or looks like but I know it is something I have struggled with for years. I have looked for happiness in all the wrong places, filled spaces in my heart in all the wrong ways, and lied to myself and others to mask my unhappiness. Now, this is not to say that I’m unhappy in my marriage, or unhappy being a mother, or unhappy with my friendships, or life - because that is not true. My search for happiness has always been on a much more deeper and personal level. For years I have struggle with just being happy with being… me. I also know that I have allowed past trauma and / or failures really get the best of me, and it has also crippled me from allowing myself to feel like I was even worthy of feeling happiness towards MYSELF.

I’m not saying I’m this happy go lucky girl, because lets be honest - I don’t think I’ll ever be that way, haha. I’m naturally a brooder - someone who feels deeply and who has strong emotions towards everything and anything. But, for the first time in a long time (or ever), I can say that I am becoming happy with myself, and I know why things are different this time around vs. years before. I know it’s because I chose to make a change in myself, to work on my actions, to be more intentional with my words, and to really accept that I am worthy of this life and love and happiness. It hasn’t been an easy road, and it has definitely taken longer than I wanted it to, but I am here… happy. I know that this feeling comes and goes but I also feel like that I have gone past enough bumps in the road to know how to navigate through the days that get a little darker than I like.

I told myself that this year I would work on loving myself more, forgiving myself more, and being more gracious - and I’m thankful I kept my word… for myself and others.