Here's to looking at you 2019

101918_Marfa_BTP_176.jpg

Well, here we are babes — we’ve made it to 2019. How did we even get here so fast? I feel like 2018 was a huge blur (but not really) , and I’m low key still trying to catch up on some things and feelings but I know that’s only the New Year’s fog.

But, alas — you made it. Shit…I even made it. There was honestly a point (a very low point) in time where I didn’t know if I’d even make it out of 2018. But I’m so glad that I did.

A lot happened in 2018 — a lot of beauty and magic; there was so much growth (so much growth), I finally went back to school (started some Astrology courses), I clicked with the most amazing therapist and started going to her regularly, I learned how to forgive myself and others (but mainly myself), I finally began a heathy healing journey, we found something that worked with Ro and his struggle with ADHD, Thurman started talking / communicating more, I found pieces of my worth, I became friends with some really amazing set of girls and got closer to old ones. But, 2018 wasn’t all rainbows and dandelions — it also had a lot of dark and deep water days; I struggled hard with suicidal thoughts, I was secretly self harming, I had to sift through some old pain, I struggled with PTSD, I was struggling with my weight and the way I ate, I had to swallow my pride and admit my wrong doings when an old “friend” found newer and lower ways in dragging my name, I was angry — all the damn time, I yelled a lot, I struggled with my worth, I compared — a lot, and I stopped writing for a long time.

You guys, I was so stupidly naive and "hopeful” when it came to my 2018 New Years resolutions. I thought I could waltz into 2018 and forget about everything that had happened 3-4 months before that. Y’all, what a big LOL and “jokes on you” moment for me. I legitimately thought that I could just “move on” from 2017 and be on with that. I may have not admitted this when my world came tumbling down head first — I’m very much glad it did. I was able to set my ego aside and ask for help; I found healthy ways to heal, I set out (first time ever) boundaries, and I allowed certain walls to come down. But if I’m being totally honest… I still very much have certain walls up but I no longer live in this world where my arms are fully extended out — constantly pushing people out. Look, I’m a work in progress — but I’m not alone in that, right?

“Hurt people hurt people” — and, boy is that so true. I always heard that quote but I kind of just brushed it off and / or laughed it off — because even though I knew it was true… it was just easier for me to ignore. But, once I stopped ignoring that quote the more I realized how relevant those four words to my life and current situation. You see…I was so engulfed in my own pain, my own lack of boundaries, my own (not wanting to admit this at the time) not wanting to rock the boat or upset anyone, my own wanting to please people that I didn’t see (or maybe didn’t want to) the pain that I was in.

We all make mistakes, but we also make decisions. I made mistakes, but I also made decisions — and those decisions that I made not only hurt me along the way, but they also caused pain to others (and some of those people I really cared about).

You see, when I finally decided to sit with my decisions and mistakes and lies and pain — I drowned. I was no longer just keeping my head above water or “almost” drowning — I drowned. Having to accept such a dark side was… hard. Finding ways to forgive was (and still is) really challenging.

How do you forgive yourself for the actions that caused others pain? How do you forgive yourself for the words that caused others pain? How do you forgive yourself for sharing information that was given to you in safe place? How? How do you forgive yourself for the pain you caused yourself?

How do you forgive yourself?

It took time — in fact, it took several months, and it is still something I am still working on. Even though I am far from where I once was… I’m still healing, I’m still learning how to forgive, I’m still growing. I still beat myself up over words, gossip, and lies — but, I know I need to forgive myself and not allow that root to destroy me.

Growth. Healing. Forgiveness.

Those three words were my power words for 2018, and I am so glad that I was able to experience all the things I needed to experience. This time last year I was a complete wreck and I was literally holding on by a hope and prayer. This time last year I really hated myself. This time last year I was heartbroken by a word that someone chose to describe me with. This time last year sucked. But, I’m glad I finally allowed myself to feel and sift and sit in my truth.

I’m really freaking glad that I did.

Being uncomfortable sucks (duh) — but that is the only way you’re able to grow from your mistakes and / or decisions. So even though there were so many times I wanted to give up or throw in the towel — I’m glad I had the courage and strength to pick myself up from the ground. I’m thankful for my husband who fought for me when I needed someone to fight for me. I’m thankful for my boys who knew I needed extra loving. I’m thankful for my new and old friends who never gave up on me and loved me even through my ugly side.

I don’t know what 2019 has in store for me and it may or may not be the greatest year but I’m going to continue to grow, heal, forgive, and shine. I’m going to continue to learn, laugh, love, and dance every chance I get. I have a lot of really exciting projects and things to look forward to in 2019.

So, peace out 2018 — you had so many moments of truth and love and I’m forever grateful for you but I'm not one bit sad to see you go.

Here’s to looking at you 2019.