Hey friends! How are you doing? How’s life? What’s new? I literally have all the questions and demanding all the answers. It’s been way too long since my last post. Can we talk about January and how that month felt more like a year? How does that happen every year? And here we are, another month about to close out — we pretty much have one more (full) week of February — and that kind of happened a little too fast, amirite?
* Deep Breath *
Oi! That’s all I can say about the month of January and all the things I dipped my toes in. As stressed out and spread out thin I was last month… I am eternally grateful for the first month of 2019. For starters, my mental health was a little rocky but I braved it out and fought it head on instead of just going into hiding or self sabotaging myself (because that’s so much easier). I gave myself grace and held a safe space for myself. So yeah… I’m super grateful for January and for what it taught me and for what I really feel like this year will be more about (what I need more of — what I’m craving). So even though I had to checkout for mental health days or had to back out of things or hangs or had to pause on a venture I thought I was ready to take on or my anxiety getting the best of me or things triggering my PTSD — there was also so much beauty, growth, and (good) changes.
Okay, so I’m not going to dive deep into what January brought (and taught) me just yet but I did want to share something that has been heavily on my heart, and something I think (most) people could relate to…
The “joy” of comparison. I know, I know… but, why? For as long as I can remember I have always compared. I grew up never feeling quite as good or being enough, and that just lead into the shit storm we call “comparing.” My ability to compare has stolen so much from me — my time, my creativity, my voice, my ability to try new things (or continue things), or enjoy life (fully). It stinks and is so incredibly stupid, but we (all) do it or have done it.
I know how easy it is to just fall into that comparison trap and it’s super easy when it comes to social media crap like Instagram. Instagram is such a double edged sword for me — so much beauty but a lot of ugly mixed in different pockets. For a long time now (several, several months now), I haven’t posted much on Insta because I just felt like my page wasn’t enough; my aesthetics suck, my picture taking skills suck, wasn’t stylish enough or pretty enough, or whatever shitty thought that ran through my head — it was there. I just never felt like I measured up to the posts above or below mine and that always left me feeling empty. Again, it’s silly… I know. But it is so much more than just Instagram when it comes to comparison. It’s just easier to use that as an example since I feel like comparing on that platform is such a real thing, you know? Super easy and relatable example.
But let’s peel that layer back and maybe dig a little deeper. Did you know I dropped Astrology for a few years because I just thought I wasn't good enough or knew enough or well seasoned enough to even try to read charts or know what was going on in real time? I allowed myself to compare, compare, and compare that I got inside my head and just flat out thought I wasn’t able to do something I truly was / am passionate about. I let comparison steal a joy of mine because I simply thought I wasn’t good enough, and I didn’t give myself enough (if at all) grace in just needing to be patient in my own growth / journey.
To be honest, I could probably make a laundry list of things that I either never started or never finished (but I’m pretty sure you guys get the point) because I just allowed comparison steal parts of my joy. Gross.
I don’t know where exactly I’ll start but I’m saying it now and saying it loud — I am breaking this stupid comparison cycle / habit. I am who I am and the person I was created to be is worthy and meant to do great things in her own beautiful time.
I know it’s easy to fall into comparison but just know you are worthy and perfectly made and no one on this earth can do what you do. We are all worthy and we all have a beautiful purpose.